Queer Eye For The Amish Guy
by Me Gustan Los Loros
Summary: The Fab 5 travel out to Lancaster and give a makeover to an unfashionable Amish guy. in progress
1. Heading Out To Lancaster

**"Queer Eye For The Amish Guy"**

NOTE: This story contains some language that might be offensive to gays. I only included it because it seems like things that the Fab 5 would say. 

Background:

The Fab 5 takes a private jet out to Lancaster, PA, in order to give a makeover to Jebediah Stoltzfus, a not so chic Amish man. Like with all of the other straight guys made over, they cover the areas of grooming, food & wine, culture, interior design, and fashion. However, since the Amish are very strict in following the ways of the Bible, the Queer Eye boys might encounter some trouble changing the ways of Jebediah and his family. 

On the plane flight:

TED: Let's see, our next victim is…Jebediah Stoltzfus. Husband of Mary, father of 17. His 13-year-old daughter Annie signed him up. 

CARSON: 17 kids…and I thought Amish people were uptight and prudish. I guess Jeb likes to churn things other than butter. 

THOM: Age 49, from Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Quite a sight! Kyan, you got a lot of work to do, buddy. (Laughs)

KYAN: Oh man, this guy looks like he's a member of ZZ Top tribute band at a funeral…but there is good news…I can see a slight resemblance to Justin Timberlake in one of his older sons.

JAI: Although they're very religious and we have to respect their beliefs and all, I think we can kind of mix all the traditional Amish get-up with some modern items. Who knows, maybe we'll be lucky and get them to use electricity! 

TED: I wouldn't hold my breath. But Carson, I think you can persuade him to accessorize!

CARSON: Well, right now, Jeb is mighty unstylin', if you ask me. We need to get rid of all of that black. Horrid, I tell you, horrid!

KYAN: But I am impressed that the mustache is non-existent. Snaps for _some _shaving!

(They all snap) 

JAI: So boys, I think we have our work cut out for us. Our mission is to make Jeb _un hombre elegante._

ALL: A hip Amish guy!


	2. Meet the Stoltzfuses

(The jet lands on a grassy field and the guys exit the plane. They are shocked at what they see nearby—a few houses, a busy barn full of animals and a cornfield filled with men working)

KYAN: Oh…my…god…

THOM: What did we do to deserve this? 

CARSON: WHERE ARE WE?! I think the pilot tricked us and brought us to Nebraska. But why are there all these people with ugly boxcars and unfestive outfits?

TED: Guys, the house is over there! 

(They run over to a simple wooden house with some children husking corn on the front steps.)

JAI: Hey kids! We're here to rescue your dad and make him into one cool dude!

(The kids look at each other, confused) 

SAMUEL: (Whispering to his sister, Sarah) Who are they? Look at their strange clothes.

SARAH: The Fab 5. Annie watched their show when she was at someone's house and she decided to call them to give Father a haircut and some new things to wear. (Turns to the guys) Hello. Would like to go in the house?

KYAN: Well we didn't come out to some boring farm to pick up some one-night stands! (Laughs)

SAMUEL: (Even more confused) OK… (Pushes door open, and the guys run into the house. Jebediah's wife and some of his children are doing household chores)

THOM: Knock knock! We're coming in!

MARY: (Startled) Excuse me, may we help you?

KYAN: Hey Mary! So nice to meet you! (Tries to hug her but she backs away) Sure you can…just tell us where Sasquatch is.

MARY: Sasquatch? Who is Sasquatch? More importantly, who are you?! Why are you here?!

THOM: We're the Fab 5. Annie signed us up so we can give a makeover to Jeb. We'll fly him out to New York and take good care of him. (Shakes head in disappointment) Now, tell me why you have quilts hung on the walls. Is this your idea of décor?

MARY: (Disgusted) Ann, how did you find out about these men?

ANNIE: Um…I saw them…(sighs) on television.

MARY: Where?

ANNIE: Remember I went over Daniel's house a few weeks ago to work on a project for school? After we finished, we watched a little TV. I hope you don't mind.

MARY: I certainly DO mind! You know that after you are done with schoolwork at a person's house, you are to come home immediately. You also know electricity is off limits. And so are boys—at least at your age.

ANNIE: We didn't do anything bad…

MARY: I don't care at this point. For the next month, you are waking up an hour earlier to help milk the cows and after homework is done, it's straight to bed for you.

TED: Sorry to interrupt you, but where's Jeb?

MARY: Jeb? _Jebediah_ is out in the field. 

KYAN & CARSON: We'll be right back, people!

TED: Mary, I'm sorry, but between you and me, I think it was kind of rude of us to intrude like that. Even though we started off on the wrong foot, let's start fresh. Hi, I'm Ted.

MARY: (Smiles) Well, OK. I actually could use some work around here, with 17 kids and all. Plus, my eldest daughter, Rebecca, is getting married this Tuesday.

TED: Wow! Now we really have something to prep Jeb for. Well, I just wanted talk to you about some of the foods you have in your kitchen. I'm impressed that you don't use any of the processed stuff that's in supermarket aisles.

MARY: Oh yes. We only eat the gifts that nature provides for us during harvest. 

TED: (Surprised at Mary's answer) Um…yeah…anyway, I'm happy about all of the fresh, whole foods that you cook with but I think I can infuse some sauces and more modern, urban flavorings to spice them up. I have a feeling we can cook up some new, original recipes for Rebecca's wedding.

MARY: Well, I'm more the conventional type, but I'm sure Rebecca will be willing to try it.

JAI: Now I know you aren't too keen on playing musical instruments, but I think I can help you, and especially the kids, to have some after-dinner, after-work fun. I have some new books for you and your kids, and also some toys for them. I'll help update your family on pop culture and such.

CARSON: (Walks back into the house with Kyan, while pulling Jebediah by the ear) So this is what you married, Mar?

MARY: (Laughs) Yes. That's my lovely husband.

KYAN: Trust me, hun. He'll be even lovelier once we get rid of the beard and the excessive amount of ear hair. 

JEBEDIAH: (Annoyed) What is the meaning of this? 

THOM: We're gonna make you—and your house and buggy—look like a million bucks for Rebecca's wedding. 

JEBEDIAH: I do not need a makeover! This will be a traditional Amish wedding with a customary ceremony and a dinner afterwards. Nothing extravagant and out of the ordinary.

CARSON: Yeah, well that was _before_ we came. We're gonna get you a new tux and make this house look more 2004 than 1804. OK?

JEBEDIAH: (Sighs, but realizes this might to his advantage and smirks slightly) Do I have a choice?

THOM: Nope. But I have the perfect plan to decorate this house, by adding some contemporary pieces that will jazz up some of your more traditional items. Plus, we're gonna make your buggy look all festive for after the wedding ceremony. We'll make a "just married" sign and attach it to the back. 

CARSON: And we'll purchase some couture for your little horse friend. He'll be all festive and pretty, which will allow the bride and groom to leave their nuptials in style. (Looks at his watch and signals the door) You know, we better get going; let's board the jet. 

(Jebediah kisses Mary and bids farewell to her and the children in the house)

JAI: (Singing) We're going to New York City, gonna make you look real pretty…

CARSON: C'mon kids. Let's put our derrieres in motion and get ready to transform our Jeb!

(Jebediah and the Fab 5 jog out of the house)

KYAN: (Turns to Jebediah's family) Trust me, you're all gonna love us when we get back here!


	3. On The Way To NYC

(On the plane ride to NYC)

JAI: Let's look at our itinerary. (Reading from clipboard) So first, you're gonna go furniture shopping with Thom. Then a U-Haul will transport all your new pieces back to Lancaster while you're still being made over with us.

JEBEDIAH: What is a U-Haul? And why are we going furniture shopping? Our wooden chairs and tables work fine. I thought we were just buying some new clothes for the horse and getting rid of my ear hair. 

CARSON: Nope, you're getting the whole package! (Winks and smiles) Well, not _that_ one. But, hello—you know we can't just drape a piece of fabric over your studly stallion! We must dress him from head to hoof in couture! (Places one hand on hip, the other on his forehead and nods no)

JEBEDIAH: Co—what?

CARSON: (Looks over at Jebediah, drops jaw in disgust, with an attitude) co-TOUR…stress on the 2nd syllable! Learn the word—you'll be hearing it a lot around here!

THOM: So anyway, we'll be heading to Crate & Barrel to pick up some funky furnishings & decorations for your abode. I was thinking kind of eccentric, maybe leaning toward retro. A lot more vivid colors and a lot less quilts!

JEBEDIAH: Well, I'm not very fond of bright colors, but I'm sure my daughters will enjoy it. I trust you men…just not too much pink or purple.

CARSON: You know what they say Jeb…it takes a real man to sport those colors!

(Jebediah rolls eyes and sighs)

KYAN: Then we'll go to Bliss [a salon/spa in NYC], where you'll be defuzzed, and also, you're gonna get an anti-aging facial!

JAI: (Giggles) The years of raising all those kids will be scrubbed, steamed, extracted, peeled, massaged, and moisturized off! Ah…then comes the most fun part of your makeover…we're going to go to Times Square and visit the Virgin Megastore & Toys R Us! Annie said that many of your children want to get an X-box or Playstation 2, and some of your daughters want some Barbies.

JEBEDIAH: Toys R Us? Oh no, not for my children. There are only allowed to play with certain toys and games that are educational and/or religious. And no Barbies! Amish girls are supposed to play with faceless dolls. No plastic stripper look-a-likes that are a foot tall. Plus, they don't have much free time because of chores, homework, & bible study.

JAI: Let's just go check it out. You'll thank me later.

THOM: (To Jebediah) Strange…you don't know what a U-Haul truck or couture is, but you do know what a stripper is…is Mary not satisfying you enough? (Laughing)

JEBEDIAH: (Sternly) There are 5 teenage boys living in my house.

TED: (Laughing at Thom & Jebediah's comments) Well, you're gonna work up a huge appetite, so we'll fuel up at the Park Avenue Café for lunch, then head over to Chef Central and buy you a set of fondue pots. We're gonna have a fondue station set up at the wedding. I guarantee you it'll be a big hit!

CARSON: (Unaware of what's being talked about) Oh yes…I think Chocolate is quite scrumptious…(realizes topic) wait, we're talking about _fondue_? I was thinking of that drag queen I hooked up with at Oprah's Halloween party I went to last year! 

KYAN: Oh Carson, you bad, bad boy. (Pause) Was he hot?

CARSON: Totally! We got it on in her laundry room…(grins, looks upward)…I kind of wanted to do it in the boudoir instead, but hey, I'm one for experimenting! You know I hate wire hangers for clothes…but I finally found what they're actually made for. Let me tell ya, pumpkin…I sure got my "sugar fix" that night! (Clearing throat, changing subject) Well, finally, my friend, you'll go shopping _avec moi_ at Bergdorf's! We're gonna buy some marvelous new clothes! And how can we forget shoes? We'll buy a few "nice" pairs for when you go to church and weddings and whatnot, and also some "not-so-nice" ones that you can wear out in the fields, instead of those ugly Timberlands. (Points down at Jebediah's feet, repulsed)

JEBEDIAH: (With a growing apprehension toward Carson) Yes, I'm sure we are going to have fun. Well, you five will, but probably not me. (Smiles) But I must admit that I'm eager to find out how I'm going to look after you all work your magic.

JAI: Oh, you're gonna look _spectacular_! Guys, let's all toast to our Jeb!

ALL: (Raise and click their wine glasses) To Jeb!

THOM: Ted, this is delicious. What is this? The spice notes are so crisp!

TED: It's an aged chardonnay. Isn't it delectable?

CARSON: Sure is! So how do you like the Jesus juice, Jeb?

JEBEDIAH: (Puzzled) Um, it's quite tasty. But isn't leisurely consuming alcohol considered a sin?

KYAN: Not in the gay bible. 

CARSON: Yeah…where the first people ever created were Adam & Steve!

(They all laugh, then realize that they are about to land)

PILOT: (Over intercom) Fasten your seat beats in case we experience some turbulence!

TED: Rough & bumpy…just the way Chocolate likes it…huh, Carson?

CARSON: You better believe it!

(The jet lands on a helipad atop the building where their loft is located. They exit the plane, and run into the building)

JAI: Ok guys, it's off to bed now! We got a long day ahead of us tomorrow!


	4. That's An Ice Bucket?

(The next day, around mid-morning. Thom & Jebediah enter Crate & Barrel.)

THOM: Our first stop today will be here, Crate & Barrel, which I absolutely _love_. A lot of their merchandise is considered modern, but I think we can mix an assortment of different styles & colors together, which will create a nice, eclectic feel. It's really gonna jazz up your home.

JEBEDIAH: (In awe of his surroundings) Wow. This is quite an interesting place. (Picks up candelabrum) I'm not used to seeing orange candleholders.

THOM: (Smiles) It's called a _candelabrum._ Put that down before you break it. (Laughs politely) Yeah, New York's a lot different from Lancaster, huh? And after we finish here, the U-Haul is gonna ship the new stuff back to your house and I'll fly out and redecorate your house. Now how about trying out this ottoman? (Points to polka-dotted ottoman)

JEBEDIAH: (Sits down on armchair, then puts feet up and smiles) Ooh, I like. 

THOM: You can also use it as a chair. It's a pretty versatile piece of furniture.

JEBEDIAH: (Sits on ottoman) I can see many of these in our house. But I have one complaint. 

THOM: …which is…

JEBEDIAH: (Serious tone of voice) I am not fond of the fabric design at all!

THOM: Surprise! You can put a cover on it in any color, fabric, or pattern you choose!

**HIP TIP: Customize your furniture with changeable fabric covers!**

THOM: You don't like the fabric design and you're man enough to admit it! Great! Now I know I'm doing a good job metrosexualizing you.

JEBEDIAH: (Confused) Is that a good thing?

THOM: Of course it is, sweetie!

JEBEDIAH: (Baffled, trying to change subject) Now two of my sons, Amos & Levi, like to bowl in their free time. 

THOM: Oh wow, did Kingpin influence them? (Laughs)

JEBEDIAH: (Disgusted) Oh, I heard of that movie. My wife & I do not approve of crude humor. Nor do we appreciate our ways of life being mocked like that. Usually we make our children do a lot of farm work & praying, plus they must do their homework everyday, so they don't have much leisure time. 

THOM: (Nodding inquisitively) I see.

JEBEDIAH: So how about we buy this bowling ball for them? (Picks up round ice bucket, thinking it's a bowling ball) But I don't understand why it has a removable lid, or why it comes with these bizarre scissors [tongs]! Quite strange.

THOM: (Wrings head in heads) Oh Jeb…dear Jeb…(pats Jebediah on his back, and sighs) it's an ice bucket.

JEBEDIAH: (Blushing due to embarrassment) Oh. (Smiles) Can we still get it?

THOM: Eh, sure. That's a model though…get one that's in a box. Now, instead of your current wooden coffee table, how about this funky one? It's made of marble, which can resist a lot of spills and stains and whatnot. But don't forget to use a coaster! (Smiles & giggles) Plus you can put things inside of it. (In high-pitched, fake Southern accent) Now how about them apples?

JEBEDIAH: Hmm… (Knocks on it, then puts his ear to it) What apples? There aren't any apples!

THOM: (Perplexed) I know…I was joking. But what are you doing?

JEBEDIAH: This is a very odd table! It's hollow.

THOM: You're acting like a very odd _man_! It's not hollow—its drawers are empty.

JEBEDIAH: (Amazed at the concept of storing objects inside a table) That's remarkable!

THOM: Hmm…yeah…you came in a little late on that one. I think you're starting to enjoy yourself a little too much here. Let's check out and I'll pass you on to Jai. You're gonna have a lot of fun in Times Square.

JEBEDIAH: (Excited) OK! Wow…this is more fun than the buttermilk keg parties I had when I was younger!

THOM: (Under his breath) Oh Jesus.


	5. Sensitive Jeb

(Leisurely jogging on a sidewalk in Times Square)

JAI: (Throws his arms up & inhales) Ah…breathe in the sweet smell of the city! 

JEBEDIAH: (Inhales, then coughs & grimaces) It's disgusting. There's never this much pollution back in Lancaster!

JAI: Oh, you're in the best city in the world right now. Savor the moment! Now, I know some of your kids like to bowl in their free time. How about you?

JEBEDIAH: Well, let's see. I spend a lot of my free time at church. Buggy racing is fun though. So is fishing.  

JAI: (Taking what he said into consideration) I'll see what I can do. OK, here we are at Toys R Us. Let's go in.

(Both enter the giant Toys R Us Megastore, which happens to be 3 stories high, with a huge Ferris wheel in the middle of the store. Upon walking in, Jebediah is astonished.)

JEBEDIAH: Wow! This is amazing! (Points to Ferris wheel) What in the Lord's name is that circular object with trucks & crayons hanging off of it?! 

JAI: It's a Ferris wheel. Come with me. (They run over to the ticket booth, and Jai buys tickets for each of them. They wait on line to get on the ride) Here are our tickets. This is gonna be so much fun. Have you ever been to a carnival, or a state fair?

JEBEDIAH: No…

(Now their turn)

JAI: There's a first time for everything. (Hops into the Bob the Builder car, then slaps the seat next to him, signaling for Jebediah to get on. Jeb is hesitant at first, but he decides to get in.) I love rides!

(The ride begins, and Jebediah is scared & shocked)

JEBEDIAH: (Trembling, yelling at Jai) DEAR JESUS! Jai, you know I am totally against anything of this nature. I will not ride in a car, and this is 10 times worse! (Stands up) I swear, if you…

JAI: (Trying to calm him down) Sit down! You won't get hurt! Stop making a scene. I'm sorry you don't like this and it's against your beliefs, but it'll be over in less than 5 minutes. Just sit tight. (Both sit quietly and uncomfortably for the remainder of the ride. Then they exit) Jeb, I'm sorry that made you uneasy, but please forgive me. Trust me, I wouldn't do anything that would harm you. Can we continue?

JEBEDIAH: (Rolling eyes, sighing) Fine. Let's go shopping.

JAI: (Smiles widely and claps hands at Jebediah's decision) Yay! I know your kids would love to have an X-box. But we need to get you a TV for that.

JEBEDIAH: (Giving a dirty look) Electronics?

JAI: (Puts hand on Jebediah's shoulder) Listen, I understand that you might be against the use of electricity, but don't you want your kids to experience & try new things? 

JEBEDIAH: Yes, I do. (Defensively) But did Adam & Eve use electrical power? No. Did Cain & Abel? No. Were their Christmas lights in the Garden of Eden? No. Unless the concept existed in the days of the bible, my family will not associate ourselves with it. My children can experiment with other things.

JAI: (Smiles) Hehe, so I guess Ted can set you up with a martini shaker, huh?

JEBEDIAH: No alcohol or drugs, either. 

JAI: Just kidding. Wait, aren't the cows on your farm hooked up to milking machines? That's electricity, Jeb!

JEBEDIAH: (Realizes Jai has a point) Oh…you're right. As "illegal" as it is for us Plain people to do this, I'll allow you to get one—just one—television set.

JAI: Great. You're gonna be such a cool dad…not that you already aren't one. 

JEBEDIAH: (Trying to shut him up) Yeah, yeah, yeah…let's get what we have to and leave.

JAI: How old is your youngest child?

JEBEDIAH: Michael turns 3 years old next week. 

JAI: Guess what. We're gonna get you a DVD player with your new TV. And a stereo system, so you can play CDs. Now, I'm sure he'll love this new Teletubbies collection. He'll like the Wiggles also. (In a joking matter) Your oldest is 24, right? Was Mikey a mistake? 

JEBEDIAH: (Offended) How dare you imply that my wife and I carelessly engage in sexual relations!  
  
JAI: Chill out! It's OK to have an impulse bang-bang-bang with the woman you've been married to for almost 30 years. (Pats Jebediah on back) I think you're starting to get a little thin-skinned and stressed out, so I'll send you off to Kyan now. I'll be heading off to Virgin to pick up some DVDs & CDs for you. (Giggles) Isn't it ironic that I'm heading off to the Virgin store to buy things for a man with 17 kids! (Jebediah gives him another dirty look, and Jai sighs) Loosen up already, will you?


End file.
